How the F**K Did This Happen?!? The Rise of Trump revisited.

This is a shorter/slightly tweaked version of a piece I wrote back when Donald Trump secured the Republican nomination.  The answer to the above question is the same.  It’s just a whole lot scarier now.

So… here’s a thing that happened. Sentient e. coli Donald Trump got nearly 2 million fewer votes than Hillary Clinton, but it looks like he’s still going to get to be the president! Of America! That’s where we live, you guys!  How the F**K did this happen?  Well, I will tell you.  It’s because History, like Hollywood, loves to reboot a franchise.  Here’s what I mean.

The year was 1916. Americans were sill feeling inspired by the box office smash, Birth of a Nation and there was growing sentiment that maybe Reconstruction was a bad idea. But then we entered “The Great War.” I assume they called it that because the few people who made it home alive were like, “Man, that war was so great. We should totally do it again sometime.” And then they died of Spanish flu. And while everyone was distracted by the mustard gas, there was a bit of a culture shift back home.

In the 1920’s, black people called bullshit on sharecropping and started a Great Migration with a side of race riots. Women called bullshit on not voting and started dancing the Charleston – the twerking of it’s time.  And Jazz called bullshit on single syncopated rhythms and was all, “eff you, music, I’ll do what I want!”

And in response to this social progress, there was a resurgence of America’s worst pajama party, the Ku Klux Klan. The Klan had been largely dormant for the past 30 years, but now they grew to 5 million strong, marched on Washington, and got a bunch of politicians elected, like… the governor of Indiana. Crossroads of America? More like cross-burning roads of America, amirite, Indiana? (I am.)

Fast forward to the 1960’s. Some of those same klan-elected politicians are are still in Congress, and they lead a 60 day filibuster to defeat the Civil Rights Bill. 60 days! I can’t stay that angry about something longer than it takes to scroll past a video of an otter eating a snack – and who could? Otters are a goddamned national treasure. But they didn’t have otter videos back then, so they talked for 60 days, lost, and then 100% of black people voted 100% of the time and no one ever tried to disenfranchise them again. Just kidding! What I meant was then a bunch of southern democrats became republicans.

Richard M. Nixon, candidate for the Republican presidential nomination, is seen arriving at the airport in Atlanta, Ga. with his wife, Patricia, on May 31, 1968. A crowd of about 350 people greeted them as Nixon visits the South to meet with delegates from various states. (AP Photo)

Fast forward to 2008. We elect a super smart, Christian family man, who exemplifies the American Dream fulfilled, and is focused on helping the middle class, but for some reason I can’t. quite. put. my pointy hood on, not everyone was a fan. And so the Tea Party becomes a thing, grows to 5 million strong, marches on Washington, and gets a bunch of politicians elected, including – wait for it… the governor of Indiana! Because history, like comedy, loves a callback. And this conversion therapy loving callback is apparently going to be our next Vice President!

A couple other moments of note: In 1929, as you may recall, our stock market hit a bit of a snag and, due to a bunch of rigmarole I’m sure you’re all familiar with involving the Treaty of Versailles, when our economy went down the toilet, Germany’s went down der sheizer. (Which is German for: the scheizer.) This caused the German people to make some fairly terrible political choices, which eventually culminated in “Great War: The Sequel.” But now is not the time to discuss how Germany could elect a bellowing lunatic who stoked fear, promoted isolationism, and scapegoated an entire religion. Now is the time to discuss how we could do that.

The other era of note is the 1950’s, when everyone was into this awesome workout craze called Duck and Cover, and Joe McCarthy took advantage of people’s fears by inventing a fun game called “Spot the Communist.” It was kind of like Pokemon Go, only, instead of collecting Pikachu, you destroyed people’s lives. And this is worth mentioning because McCarthy’s right hand henchman, a sort of living ebola virus named Roy Cohn, later mentored a young rogue he met while defending this scamp’s right to not let black people live in his buildings. And that predatory protege was… Joffrey Baratheon! Just kidding. It was Donald Trump. Trump and Cohn were thick as literal thieves for years, until Trump suddenly dropped Cohn like a hot potato, because it turned out that potato had AIDS. You remember AIDS. It’s the disease Ronald Reagan said we shouldn’t try to cure because it was only killing gay people and why would we want to stop that? What a hero.

Anyway, here we are in 2016! Birth of a Nation is back in theaters. Again, directed by a racist. No wait, I mean rapist. (It’s one letter, easy mistake.) And it is once again a time of social progress. Gay people have called bullshit on not getting married. Black people are calling bullshit on being murdered with impunity. Transgendered people just really need to pee. And someone with a vagina got two million more votes for president than her opponent! GAH! Come on, women! Isn’t it enough that a bunch of vaginas already ruined Ghostbusters! (Thoughts and prayers for your childhoods, boys, btw.)

Plus, the last guy who got to be President without winning the popular vote – in addition to letting terrorists attack us on our home turf, getting us into a trillion dollar war with the wrong country, and leaving an entire city to drown – oversaw our economy spiraling into der scheizer.  And even though our current President helped save the auto industry, got 20 million people health insurance who didn’t have it, and oversaw a sock market that kept reaching record highs and unemployment reaching its lowest rate in four decades – plus, you know, killing the person who actually  attacked us – for some reason I still can’t put my pointy hood on, an entire fake news network, talk radio, a network of social media conspiracy theorists, and a good portion of out own Congress have spent the last eight years painting a different version of reality and treating the leader of the free world with a level of disrespect no American President has ever been shown – not even Buchanan.

So I suppose we should not be surprised that, in a phenomenally self-destructive display of backlash, a substantial number of people (not a MAJORITY, mind you, but a substantial number) voted for a racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, trigger-happy, easily-baited, nectarine-colored narcissist whose presidency will likely culminate in the completion the Great War Trilogy. This is America! That’s how we do!

But I was surprised.  I truly believed we were finally better than this.

It is with the deepest regret I have ever felt that I admit that I was wrong.

And now I have to look into moving to Germany, since, ironically, they’re the ones taking in refugees.

 

Everything About the Way We Elect Presidents is Super Dumb

Maybe our electoral process made sense in an agrarian age, or when only while male landowners could vote, but now that it has given a hate spewing reality TV star a chance to bring about the end of our Republic, it’s time to admit the system has some massive flaws.

Setting aside concerns about campaign financing, dark money, and the fact that the only people who have a chance of winning are the ones who can raise the billions of dollars needed just to run, let’s just take a look at exactly how we get our presidential candidates’ balls rolling.

We start in Iowa, a state with, I think, about 3 black people, unless one of them has recently moved.  Their Hispanic population is not much bigger, despite the fact that nationally, Hispanics are our second largest demographic.  Here’s a breakdown of the Iowa electorate from the 2010 census. Compare it to the national chart that follows.

So, a state that doesn’t reflect the national demographics, to say nothing of what they contribute (or don’t) culturally or economically, gets to set the tone with their caucus for what’s to come in the primaries, and for the very first primary, we head to someplace even whiter: New Hampshire.

Does this look like America to you? (I mean, it probably will 4 years from now, and apparently a solid half the county is ok with that, but still.  For now, it’s really not too representative of our nation.)

Then we move on to South Carolina, a state still so bitter about being in the Union, it took 9 people being murdered in a church for them to agree to stop flying the confederate flag at their State Capitol. (Of course, now that the guy they voted for has made it clear they no longer have to pretend to have learned tolerance, there’s already talk of putting it back.)

So now, a bunch of white folks and a super racist state have given candidates on both sides some momentum, frontrunners may have emerged, and it’s on to Super Tuesday!  But wait.  What if there are still two or more candidates running in each party?  What if, for example, one party has put forth a clown car of the worst it has to offer, and they all keep splitting votes more than two ways?

Well then, America, you get a candidate who keeps gaining delegates without winning a majority of the vote in any primary until his competition has all dropped out!  Doesn’t that make sense?!?!?!

On the Democrats’ side, you get infighting that ultimately hurts whoever emerges as the candidate, a lot of misinformation and confusion about super delegates, and a conspiracy theory that lingers – no matter how often it’s disproven – that somehow this election has been rigged!  Whee!!!

Once the conventions are over and the nominations are official, it’s time to sit back, relax, and let the media do it’s job, correcting misinformation, challenging candidates when they spout obviously false claims, and making sure the citizenry if fully informed about what’s the truth and what’s a political tactic.  We can also count on them to make sure there’s a story there whenever they hear a “controversial” buzzword, instead of just repeating baseless suspicions that they know will have an impact on the race.  Hey, great job, everybody!  Hope you can trade those ratings for rations in the coming dystopia!

And then, the big day arrives.  Americans head to the polls to pretend we have a say in how things go for us.  One candidate gets 1.5 million (and counting) more votes than the other, and the candidate WHO STILL HASN’T WON A MAJORITY gets crowned the “winner” because of an antiquated system designed to benefit slave-owners (which feels depressingly poetic in this case.)

And, should you be so bold as to reach out to those electors to remind them that Alexander Hamilton said their job was to ensure, “the office of President will never fall to the lot of any man who is not in an eminent degree endowed with the requisite qualifications,” be prepared for responses that will not reassure you about their qualifications (or maturity levels) either.

So, in summary, we are expected to accept as our next president a buffoon who doesn’t even pay taxes to the country he’s now supposed to govern even though he started gaining momentum thanks to a bunch of out of touch white people in places that are in no way reflective of the make-up of America, even though he didn’t win the majority in most primaries or caucuses, even though he lost the national popular vote by 1.5 million and counting, even though his campaign openly promoted voter suppression, and there is ample evidence of election tampering by foreign powers, even though this is a person the MAJORITY OF AMERICANS DON’T WANT AS THEIR PRESIDENT, we’re supposed to just accept him because that’s how the system works?!?!

The system is broken. And everything about how we elect a president is super dumb.